* Diary Of An Ana

Watch Me From Above;

2011-01-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

Its A Sad Life, Living A Lie. Breathing That Lie. Seeing That Lie. Being Mocked By That Lie. Feeling That Lie. Neutering That Lie. Tasting That Lie. Hearing That Lie. Being The Lie..

BE STRONG.

Don't Eat, Don't Eat, Don't Eat, Don't Eat, Don't Eat.

All I Hear In My Mind, Over And Over And Over Again.

~~Worthless~~
~~Ugly~~
~~Fat~~
~~Whore~~
~~Emo~~
~~Pathetic~~

I Never See Anything, Not Like What Others See.
I See The Ugly I Portray, Indecency, Ignorance.
I See My Mother.

I'm So Scared Of Following In Her Shoes, Of Being Her.. Beating Others Down, To Feel Good.
Tearing Hope To Bring My Self Up. I'm Scared To Hurt, Just As She Hurt I.
I'm Scared For My Little Brother. I Miss Him Terribly. I Want Him Back In My Life.

I'm Being Torn Apart. I Feel Damaged. I Feel Repulsive. I Feel Dirty.

I Wish My Mother Was Stronger, Cared More. I Wish She Wanted Me, I Wish She Thought I Was Pretty, I Wish She Never Let Anyone Hurt Me. I Wish She Never Hurt Me.

Just Thoughts That Needed To Be Free'd From My Mind.

Hold Back;

2011-01-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

I Gained Weight Over The Fucking Holidays.

~~I'm So Upset With Myself.~~

Such A Failure.

DON'T

Be Strong Baby, Hold Back Those Tears, Smash The Mirrors Lies And Count To Ten.

Life At Its Best;

2010-12-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

1. Drink A Glass OF Water - Ice Cold - Every Hour.
2. Pictures Of Body, And Looks Inspiration On The Back Of My Closest Door. And One Kept In My Bag With Me Everywhere, When I Feel Hungry I Can Take It Out And Look At It. Realize I Dont Want To Eat.
3. Wear Sticky Lip Gloss, Keeps You Very Aware Of What Goes In Your Mouth, Makeing Me Cautious Of Food.
4. If Im Really Craving Food, I May Brush My Teeth. The Taste Of The Mint Makes Foods Taste Bitter.
5. When Eating A Meal, I Take A Sip Of Water After Every Bite. This Makes You Feel Full Faster.
6. Going With 1. Drink ICE COLD Water As Often As You Can, Your Body Will Burn More Calories Trying To Keep You Warm.
7. Also Keep The Room You're In The Most Often Colder, Again It Will Help Burn More Calories As Your Body Tries To Keep You Warm.
8. When I Crave Something, I Normally Eat It, In Moderation. This Is A Good Thing To Do, Because If You Just Ignore Your Craving You're More Likely To Binge On It When You Can. Eat As Little Of It As Possible, But Do Eat It.
9. If I'm Really Hungry, I Like To Eat Sugar Free Hard Candies, And Suck On Them. This Gives Your Stomache The Feeling Of Eating, Without Actually.
10. In Winter And Fall I Like To Drink Hot Bevrages, The Heat Expands The IntestinalTrack And Make You Feel Fuller.
11. Sit Up Straight, You'll Build Atleast 10% More Calories Then When Slouching.
12. Sometimes When I'm Eating I'll Get An Empty Glass and Every So Often Ill "Take A Drink" Only To Be Spitting The Food In The Cup.
13. I Try To Avoid Anything Carbonated, It Causes Your Stomache To Bloat.
14. I Exersie Alot. I Walk An Hour And A Half In The Morning To School, And Hour And A Half Back, Take My Dog Out For an Hour Walk, And Later In The Night I Walk My Dog Again For Whoever Long I Feel Like.
15. I Never Eat After 7pm, Its A Fact the Most People Become Less Active After 7pm Thus Gaining Weight.
16. I Take Pills That Give Me The Nutrients I Need From Food But Don't Get From Lack of Food.

The Cruel Reality Of Truth;

2010-12-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

You Will Never Understand How I Work, How My Mind Works, Or Why It Works Like This. Why I Cry Because I Think Im Not Good Enough. Or Why I Binge, Only To Regret It, And Remove It From Inside. Why These Scars Are Placed Where They Are.

The Mind Is An Amazing Thing, For Every Being It Works Differently, Makeing Every Being Unique. Well My Mind, Its The Same As Yours, Only My Mind, Is Locked On Improvement.
Improvment On The Body And Improvement In Looks. I See Only Ugly. I Was Taught To Only See That, And That Is Something I Accepted A Long Time Ago. Once A Parent Calls A Child Ugly The Beauty In That Child Will Never Shine Bright Enough To Over See The Pain And Haterd That Fills The Soul And Heart, Removeing Any Self Love. The Ugly In The Child Becomes The Child, It Over Takes Their Mind, And Posions It, Makeing Truth Into Lie. What You Think Of Yourself Is What You Become. Lie Becomes Belief, Beauty Is Dead, And You Turn Into Your Worst Enemy. Never To See The Light Of Others Opinions, Because It No Longer Matters, You KNow Who You Are, You KNow Your Not Good Enough, That Your Fat And Ugly. What Others Think Of You Could Mean Next To Nothing, You Are What You Believe.

So To Understand Anothers Mind Is Like Trying To Be Them. Impossible. So Judge Me Or Anyother Being As You Please, But Realize You're Not Going To Change Them, They Are Who They Want Or Beleive To Be.

From William < 3 ;

2010-12-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

[my name]
There is no comparing
To a girl
Who is beautiful and rare
[my name]
She is amazing
We all know
And adore,
The beautiful youth
Stands and looks down
On all who adore
But still has a frown
As sheek in the moonlight
and beautiful at night
Her satisfaction is rare
And we all care
[my name] we want to give you life
Please listen because its like a knife
Crushing through our hearts
Dont make this start
End our pain
And stay the same
Iloveyoubestfriend<3

To Whom It May Concern;

2010-12-25T17:10:00.000-08:00

You will never understand a precious mistake of life,
such as she. Starvation to feel beautiful, hunger a satisfaction for life.
Every step forward, taking her two steps back,
pressing the blade hard againts her snow white skin.

Never will I know such an honestly to beauty like hers.
Caked on makeup can't hide her flaws,
Pitch black eyes won't disguise her lies.
Long sleeves won't save her now,
drugs have lost their glow.

a song a friend started writing for me..

not complete.